i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
