I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
