you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I AM VODKA MAN
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
