Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
