I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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