cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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