Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
