Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
