Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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