They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I sprained my soul last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
