So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
