My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
