I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
