just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
