It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
