If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
