i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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