I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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