my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
