I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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