Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
