By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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