Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
