My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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