i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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