4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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