Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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