apparently the secret to your success is patron
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
