I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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