Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
