for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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