I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize