THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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