i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want her autograph on my taint
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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