you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
