I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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