Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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