i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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