I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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