I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
