New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
