I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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