I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
