he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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