i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
