if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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