Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
