Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
