in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
