i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
