Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize