Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
