playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
