Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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