"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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