made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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