My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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