i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is it penis luge time yet?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
