I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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