You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
